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I Am The Face That Nobody Wants to See

10 Aug

Now I See as I Am Seen ~ I Am The Face No one Wants to See

DeBorah ~ MMC 2002 Grad

DeBorah ~ Marymount Manhattan College 2002 Graduation

I am the face of Mental Illness in America. The face that nobody wants to see. The face that people wish would go away. For years I tried to deny my illness which is hereditary.  I’ve had it since I was a teenager. But I just want people to know that I’m the person sitting next to you on the subway, bus, in church, temple, at your job; next to you in the Shopping Mall, walking down the street, enjoying a day in the park, having fun at a club or concert, the Veteran who served her country, the Woman who graduated Cum Laude from College while fighting unseen demons.

I am the Face of Domestic Violence.  I am the Face of Sexual Abuse.

Yes I’m one of the Everyday People.  Sometimes I feel as though I’m living in a Dystopian Universe. My own personal Hunger Games, bodies falling all around me. Yet I the Damaged Battle Scarred Warrior fight on.  One of Jephthah’s Daughters, I Refuse to be stigmatized because of the Stigmata I bear.  The Bread of Heaven Sustains Me.

I’ve taken measures to remove Toxic people and Naysayers from my Life.  I’ve formed a New Family since the one I was born into abandoned me.  Yes this is my Thorn in the Flesh and I Own it. Some battles I win. Some I lose. But throughout my life I remain me. Not ashamed of who I am or how I go about living my life.  No excuses. No apologies. Just me. Only those going through the Fire truly understand.

I AM!  I AM!!   I AM!!!

 

Palm Sunday Testimony and Praise Report

13 Apr

Testimony and Praise Report

Despite the fact that my stomach was acting up all last night and I got very little sleep I was determined to attend Palm Sunday service. My original plan had been to go into Manhattan but I changed that because with tummy troubles and subway delays I felt I should stick close to home. Even with insomnia and pain something inside me was so excited about today. When I made my right turn down Fulton St. I said Lord guide my feet and show me where to worship today. I briefly stopped at one of the many storefronts Churches lining Fulton Street but the Lord had me keep walking until I arrived at Pleasant Grove Tabernacle. You guys know I’m not much of a church goer but today I was lead to go and I’m glad I did. My late Beloved Aunt Helen Garcia had been on my mind and I think it was her who was prodding me from beyond the veil.

High School Graduation 1977

Aunt Thelma, me & Aunt Helen Garcia

I arrived in time to hear the last part of Sunday School. The congregation is very friendly. At once I felt very comfortable. Like most churches you get a program so you can follow the service but God had other things in mind and I’m very happy that Bishop Albert L. Jamison, Sr. went with the flow. Praise and Worship developed into prayers for healing. Now keep in mind though I’ve lived in Brooklyn over a year, I’ve never been to Pleasant Grove Tabernacle before neither have any of these people seen or met me. Folks were dancing in the Spirit and Bishop Jamison came down from his pulpit and began to pray for various individuals. He prayed for me and one of the Deaconess prayed also. As I said before nobody knew my condition but that sister prayed especially for healing! God Knew! I’ve been fighting not only physical troubles but battling emotional ones. Today was one giant Healing Service. Sisters suffering from cancer, depression and other ailments were ministered to. During the service Bishop had clergy and congregation hold each other by the shoulders and pray. Once again another different Sister came to me and prayed. A dam burst and I cried. A burden was lifted from me. We all also had the opportunity to go up for additional prayer from Bishop and to be anointed with oil. I went. Now that evil spiritual force was banished from my mind. I left church thinking right, acting right and rejoicing.

However my heart goes out to Karyn Washington who committed suicide at age 22 earlier this week. Those of us who are older have a frame of reference, we know that life does get better but of course we all need help. Maybe Karyn was ashamed to say she was depressed. Perhaps the burden myth of the “Strong Black Woman” was too much for her. I know how she feels. I’ve been there. I was young once upon a time but thanks to strong parents, caring Aunts and a solid spiritual base I made it. Please everyone let’s make our Churches, Temples, Mosques, Synagogues, and other places of Worship caring networks where people young and old can run to for help and guidance. Remove the Stigma of depression, panic attacks, anxiety and other mental illnesses. Be somebody who cares. May God rest your soul Karyn Washington.  May all who suffer find sanctuary.

http://blackdoctor.org/442252/karyn-washington-black-suicide/?omcamp=es-bdo-nl&utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_term=Black%20Doctor%20Subscribers&utm_campaign=Lifestyle

 

Prophetic Calling ~ Higher Ground

4 Aug

Prophetic Calling- Higher Ground

Knew that I was in the right place from the moment I walked through the door. Experiencing regeneration and renewal.

Higher Ground – Stevie Wonder (1973)

I have stepped into my Destiny. I did not choose the path, the Path chose me. The Ancestors knew what I needed and sent me the gifts of the spirit. As I wrote about in a previous post (Genetic Memory) my ancestors have begun to visit me with greater frequency.

As a child I was more open to the spirit world and I can recall from ages three to six I had many visitations from alternate universes. At age four I was looking at a baby photograph of myself and my brother on the living room wall and being able to go back to my origin or source and return at will. Around age five bedtimes became of time of numerous visitations but by then these creatures or creations began to frighten me. I did my best to will them away since it wasn’t something I could tell my parents.

Still the spirits attempted to get through some of them not so good. During my twenties I had some horrible nightmares of not being able to breathe or demons trying to choke or strangle me, but that may have been the result of too much fire and brimstone sermons. I was always impressionable and unbeknownst to some preachers sensitive spirits in their congregations pick up on the fear and punishment side of Christianity opening up a portal to hell as opposed to salvation and redemption. Now with my explorations of the Gospel of Inclusion (Bishop Carlton Pearson) Buddhism and discovering I’m a Clairsentient I’m learning better mind control and discerning the whys, wheres, and whats of my ancestors wishes.

DeBorah ~ MMC 2002 Grad

DeBorah ~ Marymount Manhattan College 2002 Graduation

Shinnyo-en Buddhism

Knew that I was in the right place from the moment I walked through the door. Experiencing regeneration, restoration and renewal.

I have stepped into my Destiny. I did not choose the path, the Path chose me. The Ancestors knew what I needed and sent me the gifts of the spirit. Clarity of Vision. Opening my spirit to distant Galaxies.

One of the guided meditation teachers spoke a word of knowledge over me that could have only come from God. Another step along the path of purification. This is the beginning of understanding the many spiritual events in my life. I have not left Christianity but I believe I was led to this type of Buddhist thought and teachings as a compliment to my Christian faith.  Shinnyo-en has fed my mind, spirit and soul.

Psalm 42

New International Version (NIV)

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,

    so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

6 My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.

8 By day the Lord directs his love,
    at night his song is with me—
    a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?”
10 My bones suffer mortal agony
    as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

11 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

In fact many Bible verses and the words of Jesus come to me more frequently and with increased clarity!  I must study to show myself approved and to grasp the teachings. Realizing now that both mind and body must be purified and the ability to focus must be cultivated. So far have been to two Guided Meditations and the effects are Amazing! I’m calmer in mind, spirit, soul & body and am better able to handle difficult situations. Remember me as the one who woke up.  As my Japanese girlfriend who introduced me to Shinnyo-en practice You will find Yourself.

Shinnyo-en

enjoy-engage-enlighten

Shinnyo Meditation Center

19 West 36th Street,

New York, NY 10018

www.shinnyo-ny.org

Not everyone will understand where you’re going in this life. The revelation for this time is only for you. They are not yet ready. John 13:34-36

King James Version (KJV)
34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

36 Simon Peter said unto him, Lord, whither goest thou? Jesus answered him, Whither I go, thou canst not follow me now; but thou shalt follow me afterwards.

Galatians 5:22-23

New International Version (NIV)
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

1 Corinthians 12:7-11
The Message (MSG)
4-11 God’s various gifts are handed out everywhere; but they all originate in God’s Spirit. God’s various ministries are carried out everywhere; but they all originate in God’s Spirit. God’s various expressions of power are in action everywhere; but God himself is behind it all. Each person is given something to do that shows who God is: Everyone gets in on it, everyone benefits. All kinds of things are handed out by the Spirit, and to all kinds of people! The variety is wonderful:

wise counsel
clear understanding
simple trust
healing the sick
miraculous acts
proclamation
distinguishing between spirits
tongues
interpretation of tongues.
All these gifts have a common origin, but are handed out one by one by the one Spirit of God. He decides who gets what, and when.

 Baptist Buddhist

In the very short time I’ve committed to following the Shinnyo path I began to realize how hungry I was. Even though I was born and raised in the Christian faith when I was introduced to Shinnyo-en Buddhism I was as one starving and thirsty suddenly finding herself seated at a banquet table filled with delicious food and drink. It has been a process for me to throw off the shackles and chains of dogma and doctrine and allow new thought to enter in. For years I tried to suppress the spirit world with anti-depressants and other prescription drugs. Now I’m free from the constraints of my religious straitjacket empowered to put my truths my faith into action.

My parents were never committed to any church. In fact though they both believed in God they never attended church. I was brought up as a Freethinker and was always driving my parents’ crazy asking questions. Of course like nearly every Black kid growing up in the 1960s church was pretty much a non-negotiable. Every child in the neighborhood went to church. Since my mother was raised Baptist that’s where I went. If for some reason I did not make it out to Sunday school you can bet the Sunday School teacher would be calling my parents asking why I was not in church.  As I grew older I was swept up in the Evangelical movements of the 80s & 90s.  Even with the growing schemes and scandals I held onto my beliefs even though I was living a lifestyle contrary to the Bible. Only in May 2010 when my beloved Aunt Helen passed away did I realize that I had only attended church to please other people and did not believed most of what was preached from the pulpit.

In the back of my mind were questions, confusion, shame & guilt. I was a walking, talking living dichotomy.   Then right before Christmas 2006 not only did my life hit the fan but was completely shredded. I lost my “good job”, was unemployed for a year, my common-law husband left me for a younger new and improved woman. Finally in 2008 I started a new job that paid a lot less but at least I was working and had benefits.

More changes 2009 I turned 50. Am I really a card carrying member of AARP? The Change of Life. For a woman turning 50 is traumatic in more ways than one not only do we have to cope with physical and hormonal changes, there are the changes in society’s perception of older women. Sure Black don’t crack but age or maturity don’t lie. I’ve had to come to terms with what to do for my next 50 years on the planet. I’ve realized my calling as a writer.  Life is a walk by faith and not by sight experience.

One of the best things about being in one’s 50s is not caring what others think but following the path meant for me.  I’m still a Buddhist newbie and I’m struggling with some of the terminology but now my soul is being fed and even the Biblical scriptures have taken on new meaning and devotion. This Baptist Buddhist is beginning to find peace within her soul.

Disposable People?

29 Sep

Disposable People?

James 4:3-5

Today’s New International Version (TNIV)

3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

Allegory of Avarice (Greed)

Allegory of Avarice
Jacopo Ligozzi (Italian, Verona 1547–1627 Florence)

Gimme, gimme gimme, my name is Jimmie is something we chanted as kids. Some adults still harbor these ill-advised wishes whether externally or internally.

We live in a throwaway society. Everything can be disposed of including wives, husbands, & children. Men trade in their wives and/or girlfriends for a newer, younger supposedly better model, aka the Trophy Wife, not realizing that she’s only with you for the money or power you have right now. When you lose the money that she’s gone. Men want the Playboy Bunny/Players magazine image of women; fake hair, fake nails, fake boobs, fake butts! They go for the Bimbos every time because they think with the little head.

Women go for “rich/wealthy” men instead of seeking a man of character & integrity. If a guy has tons of money yet no regular job, your antenna should go up. It may be hip to be with that thug, bad boy, hoodrat but there is a price to pay. Talk to the women incarcerated at Bedford Correctional Facility in upstate New York. Ladies you sink even lower when you think of your kids as meal tickets or possessions. That will back fire on you. Kids grow up or God will take those children from you and give them to someone else to raise. Or worse yet they will realize that they are being manipulated and disown you.

Ignorant music that regularly calls women bitches and ho’s and steadily devalues their worth in the eyes of this young generation is just one of the factors that contribute to the abuse of girls and women.

TV shows on the ID channel like Snapped, Who the Bleep did I Marry?; Scorned, Deadly Affairs, Behind Mansion Walls and others illustrate dysfunctional relationships taken to the ultimate extreme but it does show what can happen as a result of repeated bad judgments and selfish motives.

Basketball Wives, Love & Hip-Hop, Mafia Wives, Toddlers & Tiaras, Honey Boo Boo Child and Bad Girls promote dysfunctional lifestyles. Has being Ghetto Fabulous become the new form of social climbing except the climbing is really descending? How ignorant can I act so I can get the bling bling, money, cars, big fancy houses, rich men, etc…

These television shows put male/female relationships that used to be frowned upon as the norm or the way to be in this world. What kind of society can we expect to have and what are the potential effects of these stereotypes on young people especially young women watching these derogatory TV shows. Instead of seeking a friend, a partner, a companion who will stick with us through the better and the worse of life we are now searching for status, power, authority, unnatural physical attributes that will fade with time and age. There is no substitute for faith, loyalty and commitment.

Everything that glitters is not gold or even cubic zirconium! If you dance to the music, you got to pay the piper. Beware the pathway the demon of unbridled lust leaves you.

Lust is the desire to benefit self at the expense of others. Lust desires to get.

Rev. A.R. Bernard

The only agenda we should have as humans is God’s agenda.

Donations and Freewill offerings can be made directly to my PayPal account deborah.palmer280@gmail.com

The Devil Made Me do it?!!

16 Sep

The Struggle of the Two Natures in Man

George Grey Barnard  (American, Bellefonte, Pennsylvania 1863–1938 New York City)The Struggle of the Two Natures in Man George Grey Barnard  (American, Bellefonte, Pennsylvania 1863–1938 New York City)

Normally I enjoy every service at New Jerusalem Baptist Church. I didn’t think today would be any different. I love Rev. Dr. Calvin Rice preaching. He is excellent, however I know from time to time he has guest ministers who are usually good. But not today. I actually left the sanctuary before the guest minister finished.

The visiting minister went into an entire dissertation on the devil, how he’s after you, his influence & so-called power. He’s whispering in your ear, he’s following you around. Why the devil is a stalker, never mind that there are six billion people in the world that he has to keep track of minus GPS! I was sure at some point Flip Wilson’s Geraldine character was going to come back to life with his famous saying, “The Devil Made Me Do it.”

Now I’m not an ordained minister but I do know that the devil, satan, slewfoot or whatever you want to call him is a created being. The devil was one of the Arch Angels, his name was Lucifer. Lucifer sought to be like God and convinced 1/3rd of the angels to go along with him. He rebelled against the most high. Lucifer’s sin was pride. His punishment was to be thrown down to earth along with the rebellious angels who became demons.

Since the devil/satan is a created being like us, he cannot be all powerful or all knowing nor can he be in all places at one time. This guest preacher gave satan/devil way too much power. Satan’s time on this earth is short, yes he is roaming the earth seeking who he can deceive by sending his henchmen the fallen angels to encourage the evil thoughts already in most human beings. However satan and his minions know that on Judgement Day they will be thrown into Hell or the Lake of Fire specifically created for them.

 As for sin or evil James 1:14 & 15 says we are taken by our own wicked thoughts, lusts & desires. Whether or not we give in is our choice and the devil/satan has nothing to do with it. Whenever we make the decision or choice to do something we know is immoral, illegal or just plain unethical it’s on us and we suffer the resulting consequences.

 Man is a dichotomy composed of constantly struggling dual natures. Your fight, your battle is with your dark side within not any outside evil force. This is why the Bible tells us to submit to God by carefully studying the Word so we can rightly discerning what is going on around us and make correct choices or if we do miss the mark run to his name which is a sanctuary and a strong tower of defense.

Donations and Freewill offerings can be made directly to my PayPal account deborah.palmer280@gmail.com

The Struggle of the Two Natures in Man George Grey Barnard  (American, Bellefonte, Pennsylvania 1863–1938 New York City)

The Struggle of the Two Natures in Man

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