Tag Archives: Agony

Escape from the Hotel California

10 Oct

Escape from the Hotel California

The Eagles – Hotel California

http://youtu.be/BjIJGxULpgo

Welcome to the Hotel California, 
Such a lovely place, (Such a lovely place) Such a lovely face
They’re livin’ it up at the Hotel California,
What a nice surprise, (What a nice surprise) Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,
and pink champagne on ice, and she said:
“We are all just prisoners here,
Of our own device”
And in the master’s chambers
They gathered for the feast,
They stabbed it with their steely knives,
But they just can’t kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was running for the door,
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before,
“Relax,” said the night man, “We are programmed to receive,
You can check out anytime you like… but you can never leave”

Island of the Dead Arnold Böcklin  (Swiss, Basel 1827–1901 San Domenico, Italy)

Island of the Dead
Arnold Böcklin (Swiss, Basel 1827–1901 San Domenico, Italy)

Suffering is acknowledged and discussed in Christianity, Buddhism and many other worldwide faiths. Suffering does endow us with wisdom beyond our years. I think suffering brings us a degree of wisdom, understanding and compassion only available to those who have gone through and come out on the other side. But the key words are to come out from the land of suffering and not stay living there. Let’s not take up residence in our own personal “Hotel Californias.”

Look to find Joy in everyday life. That’s why I Love taking photos. I Love writing poetry, stories and commentaries. As many of my friends, family and co-workers I also have a ridiculous sense of humor. I’ve learned to laugh at myself. I love to hear people’s stories. Not to make fun of them but to find the common points in life that we all share, no matter if we are Christian, Native American, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu or Buddhist. We have to find laughter in the midst of our greatest tragedies, triumphs, victories and even our defeats. Our respective faiths do not ignore or make believe suffering does not exist but our belief systems help us to transcend the mutual trials and tribulations of life.

Let’s look at two different scriptures from the Holy Bible that deal with suffering. Let’s also keep in mind that Biblical scriptures also have a historical and social context. While Biblical characters may or may not have been actual living people the dilemmas, emotions, and feelings are very real and very concrete.

2 Corinthians 4:7-9

New International Version (NIV)

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

We are all a little broken. The cracks & chips cannot always be hidden nor should they be. We wear our scars like Warriors. These are the battle wounds that give us character and grace for living. Suffering can produce clarity of the mind, purity of the soul, and a different perspective on living.  At one time or another have we not all been Fallen Angels looking to be restored to the Kingdom?

 

Psalm 42

New International Version (NIV)

As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.

By day the Lord directs his love,
    at night his song is with me—
    a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?”
10 My bones suffer mortal agony
    as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

11 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

 

The people portrayed in the Bible aren’t Super Heroes. They are everyday folks like you and me. If they did not have the foibles and fragilities of the human condition we could not and would not be able to relate on our level. Times change and the modern world has encroached upon our 21st lives but we still possess the same frailties’ and vulnerabilities of soul and spirit as our Biblical ancestors. They are real people with real problems. Sometimes they achieve good solutions sometimes they mess up totally but provide an example for us of what not to do.

I agree with the Buddha’s teachings that becoming too attached to anything, idea or philosophy can lead to suffering. However suffering in and of itself is not a character flaw. In fact some suffering helps to build your character and gives you a greater ability for compassion. That being said there is external suffering which happens through no fault of our own and there is self-imposed suffering caused by bad decisions and errors in judgment.

While watching a TV show about the late writer, author and playwright Tennessee Williams I felt such sorrow that a man with so much talent was derailed from a productive pathway.

He did have plenty of success with such plays as, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, The Glass Menagerie, A Streetcar Named Desire and many other famous plays and stories, however he was done in by the effects of a dysfunctional family, depression about his mentally ill sister Rose, and eventually he was done in by drugs and alcohol. The suffering he felt regarding his sister Rose was the sadness and frustration of seeing a beloved sibling encased within the walls of mental illness and being powerless to help her. His internal self-imposed suffering was caused by bad choices regarding substance abuse.

I too am a writer and author but through my Christian faith and Buddhist practice I will avoid the path of destruction that seems to plague many famous, writers, musicians, actors, and artists.

Suffering should invite self-examination of our lives. Are we repeating destructive patterns in our lives? Am I living right? Am I a blessing towards others? Do I negate others feelings or emotions just because they may not be in line with my own experience. In addition to prayer what are some practical hands-on ways I can help my sisters and brothers in need. Am I so fixed into my own suffering that I’m allowing “Wounded Soldiers in the Household of Faith” to fall on the battle ground.

The ultimate question is, “Is it time for us to change course?”

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Lamentations of the Righteous

15 Aug

Lamentations of the Righteous

Revelation: I don’t have to be Super Christian! Studying I Kings 19:1-18. I realize it’s okay when we are fearful, tired and just plain overwhelmed. God did not get angry with Elijah when he was going through a rough time. God sent an Angel to feed him and allowed him to get some rest.  Elijah was at the end of his rope and I’m sure he was thinking, “A little help here please.” God answered his needs. God did not berate him. The Lord understood that Elijah was frustrated and afraid.  God met him where was at. In verse 8 “the Lord came again a second time, and touched him, and said, Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee.” God knew Elijah needed several hours of good peaceful sleep and healthy food to tackle what was ahead. He did not send him out on his journey a nervous wreck but gave him time to rest and regroup.

Elijah felt discouragement, Jeremiah is known as the “Weeping Prophet” and the book of Lamentations is attributed to him. Elisha, Isaiah and Daniel all had their detractors. Hosea wed the harlot Gomer who continued to cuckold him throughout their marriage. How his heart must have broken at Gomer’s infidelities. Many are the nights he must have cried not only for himself but also for the young innocent children who suffered due to Gomer’s indiscretions.

Lamentations 1

New International Version (NIV)

How deserted lies the city,
    once so full of people!
How like a widow is she,
    who once was great among the nations!
She who was queen among the provinces
    has now become a slave.

Bitterly she weeps at night,
    tears are on her cheeks.
Among all her lovers
    there is no one to comfort her.
All her friends have betrayed her;
    they have become her enemies.

Even though I know this verse of scripture is discussing Israel’s abandonment of God’s laws many times I have felt this pain personally. I don’t for a moment compare myself to the Major or Minor Prophets found in the Bible but their feelings of betrayal and anguish concerning people they love who continuously hurt themselves resonates with me. Yes I experience the personal pain of words thrown at me in anger much like daggers to my heart but the worst feeling is when loved ones turn away from reason and begin a campaign of self-destruction sometimes taking along innocent people with themselves. All Biblical prophets expressed grief at the stubbornness and unwillingness of their people to change.

Garden of Gethsemane

Garden of Gethsemane

Sometimes we just need to get away from it all. Being afraid is not a sin. We are human beings not robots. Even Jesus had to get away to a desert place. Anyone who works in any type of customer service job knows that you can become overwhelmed by the multitudes of people asking questions or with their hands out wanting, pulling at you, pushing you, all trying to get your attention, not even giving you time to catch your breath. Jesus knew what it was like to be on your feet all day long with little time to sit down for a break. It is recorded that Jesus went to a desert place or sometimes up to a mountain so he could sit, think, regain his energy to face the crowds once again.

It’s okay. It really is. With the help of God I can hurdle this storm.

Bebe and Cece Winans

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOkijBvJ5Yw&feature=colike

Jesus was also known as “The Man of Sorrows and the Stone that the Builders rejected.”

What is the shortest verse in the Bible? “Jesus Wept.” Jesus wept not only in the Garden of Gethsemane the sorrow and upcoming pain of the crucifixion but for his people. O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which kills the prophets, and stones them that are sent unto you; how often would I have gathered your children together, as a hen does gather her brood under her wings, and you would not! Luke 13:34

Oh the grief and distress in Jesus heart as he cries for his people. The sadness in his heart as they continued to cling to falsehoods when the truth was before them. How many times do we feel the same sting we castoff by those who are supposed to love us?

Why does God allow us to experience pain, sorrow, rejection and betrayal? Certainly not because he enjoys seeing us hurt or in tears but we suffer because we inhabit an imperfect world. However God is able to bring us through the fire and not let us get burnt. We may get a little singed but the fires of trials and tribulations will not consume us.

Today I’m thankful that I don’t have to be perfect. God still loves me warts & all. He sees my tears, sorrows and emotional pain, but it’s okay. Jesus knows what I’m going thru. God is not going to dump me just because I get nervous or have some other normal human emotion. Rather than keeping my emotions bottled up inside and getting sick I cry out to the Lord. With Jesus I can just be myself. Thank you Jesus for being my understanding friend. Today I experience God’s undying, never ending, unfailing love for me and my loved ones. God’s love has redeemed me from the hand of the enemy and made me Victorious over all my circumstances!

Donations and Freewill offerings can be made directly to my PayPal account deborah.palmer280@gmail.com

A Quest for Healing of the Temple

17 Jun

Quest for Wheatgrass — The Journey to Wellness

Sunday June 18, 2012

Our bodies are our earth based flesh temples we wear in the earth. During the course of a day we are confronted with many choices good and bad on what we allow into our temples. Health is a large part of who we are and how we are seen within our society.  Proper care of our bodily temple allows God according to His will.  Our lives are a three legged stool represented by our Spirit, Soul/Mind and body.  These work together in a symbiotic relationship for the continued success of the body and clarity of the mind, and purity of the soul.  We are on a quest for total wellness.

Like warriors seeking victory over the impurities in our body we put on our armor while designing battle strategies to defeat the enemy.  Before engaging the enemy we clear our mind by adopting a healthy diet consisting of fresh fruits, vegetables, nuts, a limited amount of cheese, juice and lots of water.  Being fat or thin is not an identity, being healthy is.  Even people who were born disabled or became so later in life can ill afford to allow the disease to get the best of them.  Our attitude is if we go down during the battle, we go down fighting.

I have seen God’s Glory manifested through me when I was sick but know he will get even more Glory from when I am well and can move about supporting and encouraging his creation.  Therefore God be Glorified in me!

Saturday June 16, 2012

Wheatgrass a staple of healthy living

Undaunted and still a seeker for better health I went on a pilgrimage back to my old neighborhood, St. Albans, Queens, NY.  Quest for Wheatgrass juice successful. Mission accomplished at Vital Health Foods, 196-14 Linden Boulevard, St. Albans, NY 11412, Phone: 718-525-0992. Open Monday – Thursday from 9:30am to 7:00pm, Friday – Saturday 9:00am to 7:00pm.If you live in Southeast Queens Please patronize this wonderful health food store. Let’s support Black owned businesses that are creating a healthy environment for our people. Boycott the fast food restaurants and buy good healthy food from Vital Health Foods! Yes it may be a little pricey, a might expensive but the cost of poor health and sickness is even more expensive and debilitating. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure! Now Wheatgrass does have a unique taste however the gentleman at Vital asked me if I wanted ginger and garlic added to my 2 ounces (the little plastic cup is about the same size as the ones on Pepto Bismal & we know that tastes gross), I said Yes. It definitely added a punch & a kick taste wise but you just gulp it down in one shot and keep strutting. I’ve also found eating Activia yogurts to be helpful but the juice is the best solution yet. Wheat -grass is an interesting fusion of flavors. Making small gradual changes helps to ease the transition.  I have entered the Kingdom of Wellness.

Healthy Food
Healthy whole Foods

I have a proposal to combat poor health habits within the Black Community. Since there is a church located on every other block and we all know the Black church is a bastion of fried chicken dinners and other unhealthy foods why not each church have a small section devoted to being a health food store outlet. The same way churches give away foods during the week they could set up small juice bars/raw food eating establishments that would promote healthy eating.

Virtutem form Decorat

Beauty Adorns Virtue

Given that African Americans, Black Women in particular spend lots of money on our hair and nails we must make an equal investment in our inner physical persons. We can shut down McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, KFC, Popeye’s and other greasy fried food joints by not going there. Refuse to buy from those artery clogging places.  Black neighborhoods are a plethora of junk food restaurants. The alternative for eating at these heart attack/stroke establishments is winding up with the two most prosperous Funeral Homes: Roy Gilmores  or J. Foster Phillips.

On November 7, 2008 I was rushed to the hospital from my job with extreme high blood pressure. Both numbers were nearly 200. The nurse at that time at my workplace had no idea how I was still standing much less being alive. Thanks to speedy treat at St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital I’m here today but not without problems resulting from the hypertension. In January 2010 I had retina surgery on my left eye to restore some of my vision. At that time I was almost completely blind in my left eye. I could only see light and dark. I could not make out anybody’s facial features nor could I see anything approaching from my left side. Since the operation I can see out of my left eye but in terms of reading that ability is gone. I’m more or less legally blind in that eye. Sometimes I feel sad about not being able to read using that eye but at least I still have my right eye. Ignoring high blood pressure and eating the wrong foods brings consequences. I’ve since not only given up dairy products but red meat and most caffeinated drinks. I’m a soy milk, juice & green tea drinking woman now.

Organic Products -- Food for Life
Organic Products — Food for Life

Yes like any other woman I get my hair and nails done but once my digestive and other health problems got in the way of going out with friends and enjoying life I had to take action. That carrot juice/apple juice combination did wonders! I was able to attend a concert yesterday evening and enjoy a great meal at an Italian restaurant in Manhattan with my buddies. No stomach pains! Was able to enjoy the music and the meal knowing my stomach was a peace. I know that returning to my Wheatgrass regime will also yield many good health benefits. I’m a Happy Camper!

Queen Afua on Precise TV

Friday June 15, 2012

Health is Wealth!! Progress is being made in the tummy trouble area. As some many know I suffered from food poisoning back in January. I’ve battled stomach ailments since my recover in April, but I’m winning! I’m beginning to feel better. Less and less indigestion. These videos so inspired me that I went on my own little local health quest journey:
“Quest for Wellness” Hope Rae Dawn Chong will pardon the pun. Today is my normal day off and as usual I enjoy taking a little walk before I start my day. Motivated by the young gentleman in Video #2 I said perhaps there is a Health Food store selling wheat grass juice along a short stretch of Merrick Blvd. Those of you who hail from Southeast Queens aka Jamaica know the neighborhood. I only walked a short distance along Merrick Blvd and within about 7 or 8 blocks I past the following:
Dunkin Donuts, several dirty fried chicken restaurants, BBQ Pitt, a diner, a Subway restaurant, Bagel Factory, Jerk Hut, many liquor stores and numerous ads for “Mickey D’s”. Finally tiring of the heat and with no desire to walk into Nassau County I hopped on the bus in the opposite direction bound for downtown Jamaica. Hoping to secure secure the wheat-grass prize I went to the Jamaica Farmers Market. Yes they do have a Juice store within but they mostly sell shakes that include milk which I cannot drink or carrot juice with an addition of another type of juice. I decided upon Carrot Juice mixed with Apple Juice. It was good. For lunch I did have some Chicken Teriyaki. A Girl has to keep her strength up!

Additional Healthy Eating Resources

Jamba Juice

http://www.jambajuice.com/

Organic Avenue

http://www.OrganicAvenue.com

2123580500

Juice. Food. Cleanse. Snack.

Heart Healthy Foods
Heart Healthy Foods

Donations can  be made via Paypal using my email: deborah.palmer280@gmail.com.

Thank you and God Bless.

Mutilation — A Chapbook Memorial for Thelma Rosalie Palmer (1922-1985)

9 Apr

Mutilation

Tribute to Thelma Rosalie Palmer

I looked down at the angry red scar that ran nearly diagonally across what once was my right breast. Carefully almost reverently my left hand caressed the raised stitches that the doctor said would be removed in a few weeks. I was one of the lucky few. The surgeon removed the entire cancerous growth along with all my breast tissue. Bonus point: I did not require chemotherapy or radiation so at least I would get to keep my beautiful salt & pepper mane.

Once the swelling and redness had subsided the plastic surgeon explained to me I’d be a good candidate for reconstructive surgery. But in my musings I had already dismissed that option. I’d rather wear my mastectomy scar as an Amazonian badge of courage and honor. I was a Warrior Woman much like the mythical females immortalized in Greek literature.

This sacrificial scarification symbolized strength and endurance. The will, no, the need to go and move forward in life. As for the pain, it’s not so bad, not nearly as bad as when my ex pummeled me bloody and broken with his fists when I failed to obey some order known or unknown. This operation was not an intolerable as the bi-weekly rapes to which I was subjected.

Even now in the years since he left me on Thanksgiving Day 2007 I’ve considered taking lovers, even had a few imaginary ones but the nightmare replays itself again and again in my head. When I see an erect penis, a face appears right at the head, above the shaft. His face.  The face of my tormentor.  Sexual intercourse with him and forever more in my mind became associated with the lower bodily functions. It’s as though men blow their nose, defecate and vomit upon you in succession. No pleasure. Only pain and moral/emotional degradation. You can never forgive him and worst of all you can never forgive yourself for allowing this to happen. But I’m free now. This scar will protect me from further encounters. My greatest desire is to never be violated again.

I went to the weekly meetings of breast cancer survivors. But nothing will assuage the survivors’ guilt. Guilt that I had lived but my favorite aunt, Thelma Palmer Varner had not.

Aunt Thelma had married and divorced early in her life. Childless she devoted her spare time to her beloved nieces and nephews, especially the children of her only brother, Edward, myself and my brother Stephen. I spent many an enjoyable weekend at her apartment in Co-op City, The Bronx. Aunt Thelma was the fun aunt. We laughed; joked, played games. She took me shopping and told the most hilarious stories.

Aunt Thelma died of breast cancer. Carcinoma of the right breast read her death certificate. But I attributed her untimely death at age 62 to religious ignorance and blind obedience to error. Aunt Thelma a former AME turned Catholic got involved with the Church of Christ Science, better known as Christian Scientists. Mary Baker Eddy. They are neither Christians nor scientists. Christian Scientists claim all illness and sickness is an illusion, doctors are unnecessary and all appearance of sickness can be worked out through “science”. Visiting a doctor when you are in pain or have serious symptoms is considered “a lack of faith in Ms. Eddy’s principles”.  Mary Baker Eddy’s principles of Christian Science are false and ultimately dangerous if followed to the letter.

Aunt Thelma died a slow, painful, agonizing death in one of their “hospitals” in Westchester County. At her funeral one of their so-called ministers to whom Aunt Thelma had paid money for prayer actually had the nerve, audacity and gall to attend the services. If I had not been consumed with grief and wanting to be respectful of other family members I would have beat the woman to death. To this day I hope God assigns a special place in Hell for all Christian Science ministers and pastors. May their reading rooms be vandalized then burned to ashes in memory of their many mislead victims.

Wait my scar is throbbing. It’s speaking to me. This mutilated chest. My war wound.

I’ve decided once the area has completely healed to answer the scar’s calling and decorate my mangled bosom with a full color tattoo of Aunt Thelma and I costumed as Amazon Warrior Women intertwined eternally.

Thelma Rosalie Palmer Varner

1922 – 1985

Donations and Love Offerings can be made to this thought provoking ministry via Paypal using my email: deborah.palmer280@gmail.com. Thank you and God Bless.

Aunt Thelma -- The Early Years

Thelma Palmer Varner

Holmesian Psychology Behind the Rabbit Hole

30 Mar

Holmesian Psychology Behind the Rabbit Hole

Mental Orgasms

Alice Down the Rabbit Hole

Alice Down the Rabbit Hole

Matrix – The Red pill/Blue pill

http://youtu.be/te6qG4yn-Ps

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arcJksDgCOU&feature=colike

Addiction – some habit usually unhealthy that takes over your life, an activity over which you have no control.  For those lost in the throes of prescription addiction there is no escape from the horrors of the mind except via medications freely doled out by more than willing physicians and pharmacists. Drug induced hallucinations for those possessed by insecurities, depression, psychosis and various types of mental illness open previously closed doors in the mind.  The addict seeking to escape earthly pain often unwisely even unknowingly opens portals to new cerebral dimensions, portals that eventually lead to the gateway to Hades.

I find myself walking through Bedlam calmly and quietly observing the poor wretches imprisoned within the only separation of safety between me and they glass with reinforced steel bars.  Until I come to a long hallway on either side a series of rooms each secured with double bolt thick steel doors the only openings a slot in which to slide a plastic meal tray and a small window used by roaming psychotherapists who occasionally looked in upon the inmates deciding which mental miracle drug to dispense to these unsuspecting unfortunates.  Compelled to stop in front of one particular door I peer through the small grimy window only to be shocked yet not too surprised to find my gaze met by my doppelganger.  There I stand frozen to the spot my extremities taking root and branching out seeking crevices with which to penetrate the unyielding door that separates me from myself.

Jesus explained the dilemma of mind altering drugs the best in Luke 11:24-26

New International Version (NIV)

   24 “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ 25 When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. 26 Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.”

Sherlock Holmes is one of the most celebrated fictional drug addicts known to most Americans. As played by the late Jeremy Brett, Brett’s Holmes captures the true brilliance of a man possessed by a troubled mind. He is the quintessential eccentric elitist, misanthrope and misogynist. In between cases Holmes uses cocaine to escape from the commonplaces of existence. Subject to long bouts of depression his drugs of choice morphine and cocaine, hence the 7% solution in his reasoning clarified and stimulated the mind. Often this is the case with talented, gifted genius level individuals. They abhor boredom and stagnation; craving constant mental exultation whether through industry, work, artistic, musical or literary projects. When the normal stimulants’ of challenging work are unavailable the well respected and recognized addict resorts to any number of remedies to recreate and/or achieve the same high gotten from recreational pursuits.

Holmes is the atypical functional drug addict. This is not to glorify or elevate prescription drug use above the use of common street drugs; the results from both are about the same. Both types of addicts experience dependence, cravings, reliance, and slavery to substances that destroy mind, body and spirit, eventually leading to death.

Like many possessed of a tortured brilliance only known by members of the “Talented Tenth” Holmes is an insecure elitist. The luster and sparkle of genius seeks to be delivered from the mundane, the trivial and from the insecurities that threaten to destroy a superior intellect.  The trick is to elevate and expand the thought processes and at the same time hoping to eliminate present daily realities of pain and suffering.

Drug addiction is a false cure, a fake hope, phony sanctuary, ever failing to grant rest or repose to its seekers. If the Sherlock Holmes character was updated to these modern times his drug of choice might be Ambien the sleep aid that bridges the gap between conscious and subconscious mind.

Ambien transports ones soul to that place between wakefulness and sleep. It appears to enhance ones innate natural creative abilities.  Users of cocaine and speed often make the same claims. These drugs both legal and illegal offer a false escape from the mundane.  Substance abusers even leave the natural human sexual relationships in order to experience the multiple mental orgasms they cannot achieve through physical sex with a partner. Reality becomes the bad dream. The user finds her/himself caught up in an almost inescapable quagmire.

In one episode Holmes states that, “There’s no escape from the terrors of the mind.”  Many times I secretly wished that life was like Etch A Sketch, that famously popular toy we children of the 60s played with for hours on end. If only life were like that little plastic Neanderthal laptop where with a few vigorous shakes you once again had a clean slate and the ability to start over.

It was a secret desire born out of stress, depression, and hard times to return to a time of innocence and being care free.  However I realized that there was no turning back the clock.  I had to face my inner demons.  I had to ask myself did I want to live the rest of my life in the Twilight Zone when everyone around me constantly telling me I have a gift, a gift that needs to be shared with the world. Also what about my family? What about my beloved autistic brother?  Where would he be if I suddenly was not on the planet anymore?  In addition how could I ignore the calling I knew God had on my life?  The answer is I couldn’t.  Never at any time did God give up on me.  That in and of itself amazed me.  God kept sending people my way to set me back on the path of life.  Even when I wanted to let go of this earthly life and move onto another plane, God said not yet.  I’m not ready for you yet.  You have more work to do on this earth.

No God did not immediately take away all the problems and challenges I’ve been experiencing but He did reveal to me better ways to cope.  Through my gift of writing He has opened doors for me that never would have opened had I allowed myself to sink into the substance abuse quicksand.  Of course there will continue to be bumps and potholes along the roadway but isn’t life somewhat like an obstacle course where the prize for those of us who esteem intellect the ability to successfully negotiate those obstructions by being quick thinkers and thrill in the victory of being an Overcomer?  Enjoy the Treasure Hunt!  Enjoy the excitement of the chase while in your right mind because you’ve been given everything that pertains to life and godliness and you are Empowered to Succeed!

Donations and Love Offerings can be sent via money order or bank checks made payable to Deborah A. Palmer. Donations can also be made via Paypal using my email: deborah.palmer280@gmail.com.

Thank you and God Bless.


What it means to be a Victorious and Delivered Overcomer

30 Mar
Jubilee Jump for Joy

Jubilee Jump for Joy in the Journey!!

Being a Victorious Overcomer is our ability to adapt to change. Whether the changes are in our finances, job or physical problems we develop the ability to make adjustments as the circumstances call for. Overcoming also means the putting aside of pride and asking for help when you need it. Basically evolve or die.

I take my cues from my brother Stephen who was born with developmental disabilities. Stephen has always known he was different from other people but he never allowed his differences to interfere with his joy in life. Stephen is one of the most joyful people I know. For him being autistic is just another way of looking at the world. All my life his perception of the wonder in living and his acceptance for other people no matter what race, color, economic background, ethnic group, belief system has shown me a better way to live my life.  Balloons, roller coasters, his job & M&Ms all bring him happiness and joy that most people only wish they could experience. Many times as I just observe Stephen make his way through life with very little worry and more or less carefree I marvel at what comes so easily for him I’ve been brought into kicking and screaming. Makes me wonder which of us is truly disabled?

My physical body began to change at age 49.  Due to extreme high blood pressure I had a stroke which affected the sight in my left eye. For over a year I had no vision in that eye. Finally after my Retina Specialist had tried every treatment he knew, he said you must get eye surgery. I was terrified but I got the surgery and most of the sight in my left eye was restored but not all. I had to give up driving and it is difficult for me to read unless I get large print books or enlarge the text on my computer.

At first I resisted these new limitations and I fought against them with every ounce of my strength. I desperately wanted my body to go back to the way it was when I was 25 but age and genetics said not so. This year when I turned 53 I made peace with the new me and now I find joy in the things that I can do and welcome assistance with what I cannot do. I rejoice in spite of my infirmities. Every day that no matter what condition or physical pain I may experience I thank God that my mind and academic abilities are still sharp.

On the lighter side I’ve made peace with my pudge and newly developed jelly rolls. Never thought I’d have a spare tire what with being called skinny most of my life but alas that’s another one of the delights of middle age.

Despite all the health challenges I’ve faced over the past four years I’ve not lost my Joie de vivre.  I still have my hopes, goals, and dreams for my future. Little by little, step by step they are beginning to come true. Even at the lowest point in my life I kept my faith.  Faith in God and faith in me.

I can exercise the gifts God has given me and I relish my joy in where God is leading me to next in this life.  Through looking at life with a new attitude I’ve been released from the ‘Victim Hood’ which is a ‘hood’ that no one wants to live in.  I celebrate my restoration and declare my 53rd Year of Life the Year of Jubilee!

I am a living demonstration of God’s Power of renewal and regeneration!

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Donations to this Ministry for the Housing Fund can be made in U.S. Funds via money order or bank checks made payable to Rochdale Village Inc. 169-65 137th Avenue, Jamaica, NY 11434, Account No. 083-11G-16924.  Thank you and God Bless.

Pharmacia Cornucopia — Diary of a Prescription Drug Addict

9 Mar

Pharmacia Cornucopia

Diary of a Prescription Drug Addict

Raw, UnCut, UnCensored, UnAfraid, UnAshamed

Alice’s Restaurant

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjKF7aQthcQ&feature=colike

Like the words of the famous song Alice’s Restaurant today’s prescription drug addict “You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant”. Why risk getting arrested and possibly spending any time in jail when you can go to a variety of doctors and easily get prescriptions for Xanax, Celexa, Zyprexa, Ambien, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Paxil, Oxycotin, etc…..  After all it’s legal.

Go Ask Alice

White Rabbit ☮ Jefferson Airplane ♥ 1967

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsvILKyxfsU&feature=colike

Thanks to our pill cure obsessed society along with the greed of Big Pharma who consistently bribes most physicians to distribute their pills like they were M&Ms in the Candy Shop to unsuspecting patients who need relief from pain, anxiety and depression.  Very few people are suffering from psychosis which most of the aforementioned drugs are designed to treat.

How do I know this? I am a recovering prescription drug addict. Shocked? Surprised?  Never would have suspected someone like me right? A church goer, Bible student, Cum Laude College graduate, hard worker, one who has always been able to hold down a job and be success in the workplace. Well now you know. I’ve come out from behind my mask. The mask I’ve been hiding behind since 1999 the year after my Mom Mable Palmer passed away.  Nineteen Ninety Nine was the pivotal year when I made my descent down the rabbit hole of grief, depression, anxiety and pressure to get past the pain of my parents deaths which occurred within three years of each other.  I had to keep the charade going. I could never reveal to anyone how really devastated I was by their untimely loss.

Nineteen Ninety Nine was the year I started seeing a psychiatrist. It started off well enough. At least I thought so in my troubled mind. She had me watch a video on mental illness, specifically bi-polar disorder, asked me a few questions then sent me into a journey and eventually a slide into the land of Happy Pills.  What I probably most needed was a mild sedative and extensive talk therapy but no I received Celexa and eventually was promoted to stronger more debilitating prescription drugs.

Mind you because at the time I had a good job and good health insurance there was no problem in me obtaining in number or manner of pills to satisfy my growing reliance on these medications.  In fact my doctor enabled me by reaching into one of her office drawers and dispensing free pills she had obtained from the many pharmaceutical agents who visited her offices, and most likely plied her with dinners, trips, etc…. if she would promote their “medications”.

What Dr. Pill Happy failed to ask me was if anyone in my family specifically my parents had any addictions.  If she had asked me that I would have told her my mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia and was an alcoholic most of her adult life.  But then again who knows, given the fact that the Big Pharma Drug Pushers were greasing her palms she would have ignored the obvious connection between my behavior and my mother’s and continued adult candy.  Then again I can’t just blame this doctor, most doctors just indiscriminately dispense mind altering pills with little regard as to whether this will cause adverse reactions’ in their patients.  I also blame myself.  I wanted the pain to go away.  I wanted to be ten feet tall all the time.

The only thing that stopped my downward slide was I lost my job in 2006 and my health benefits in 2007. Suddenly I had to confront the ugliness in my life and everything I hated about me.  I couldn’t hide anymore.  Not that I didn’t try. By 2008 I had a new job with its own particular stresses and pressures.

To bring this saga up to date within the last few years I’ve developed severe back, knee and foot pain. My current profession requires me to be on my feet over eight hours a day and the natural ravages of age and time have taken their toll on the lower half of my body.  Many times the pain was so bad I couldn’t get out of bed to accomplish simple housework much less stand on my feet for eight hours.  Not only was I taking medicine to combat pain I also had to take sleeping pills so I could at least get enough rest to deal with the daily challenges of the workplace.  I was going to different doctors getting various prescriptions for physical pain.  I took all my prescriptions’ to the same pharmacy. It would seem a large chain pharmacy would see that the combination of drugs I was taking would cause certain negative interactions within my body.  They didn’t.  At least once or twice within the last four years I nearly lost my life.

Finally I told myself I must climb out of the rabbit hole.  I might be ten feet tall outside but inside I felt only two inches tall.   I hurt not only physically but emotionally and mentally. The poison that I tried to suppress inside began to seep out.  I knew I couldn’t hide behind the mask anymore.  My problems lay not just with my parents’ deaths but with sexual abuse I suffered from the time I was 19 up to and including all the sexually abusive relationships I had been in until I was 48.  Now I’m in the process of confronting my fears.  This is not an easy journey.  I’m in my 50s now.  Life has definitely changed and not always for the better but change is the only constant in life.  I’ve had to make many adjustments and accept my physical limitations.  I may fall off the wagon during my journey but nobody’s perfect.  But whether or not I have the mercy and compassion of people is neither here nor there.  Most of all I have God’s mercy.  I have God’s compassion because He knows what I’m going through.  God has not judged me for mood swings or depression.  This is an illness and I know when I get too tired to go on anymore God in His infinite mercy and wisdom will take me Home to Paradise.

I also knew I had to write this piece clean and sober. My Valentine’s Day piece was written while I was spaced out on Ambien. Strangely this piece was very well received. I mean I got a lot of great feedback from LinkedIn, Facebook & Twitter fans. At the same time all the adulation was scary because I knew I could continue as a functioning drug addict or I could make a clean break. As a chronic insomniac Ambien is a very difficult drug to break free from. Taken in its proper dosage you sleep. However take two pills instead of one your body sleeps but your subconscious is still awake, still able to function. In a psychedelic way Ambien has an effect of enhancing talents already residing within you but at the same time with the capacity to kill you.  Obviously I don’t want to die but I do want to obliterate the emotional and psychological pain that threatens to rip apart my very soul. But the realization comes that pain can never be totally erased only dealt with on day by day basis. Small doses of healing dispensed over time.

No matter what I have fulfilled my purpose in life because I share this story with others, not for you to understand me but to at least have understanding and empathy others struggling along the rocky path of prescription addiction.

Donations to this Ministry for the Housing Fund can be made in U.S. Funds via money order or bank checks made payable to Deborah A. Palmer. Donations can also be made via Paypal using my email: deborah.palmer280@gmail.com.

Thank you and God Bless.


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