Tag Archives: anger

Escape from the Hotel California

10 Oct

Escape from the Hotel California

The Eagles – Hotel California

http://youtu.be/BjIJGxULpgo

Welcome to the Hotel California, 
Such a lovely place, (Such a lovely place) Such a lovely face
They’re livin’ it up at the Hotel California,
What a nice surprise, (What a nice surprise) Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,
and pink champagne on ice, and she said:
“We are all just prisoners here,
Of our own device”
And in the master’s chambers
They gathered for the feast,
They stabbed it with their steely knives,
But they just can’t kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was running for the door,
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before,
“Relax,” said the night man, “We are programmed to receive,
You can check out anytime you like… but you can never leave”

Island of the Dead Arnold Böcklin  (Swiss, Basel 1827–1901 San Domenico, Italy)

Island of the Dead
Arnold Böcklin (Swiss, Basel 1827–1901 San Domenico, Italy)

Suffering is acknowledged and discussed in Christianity, Buddhism and many other worldwide faiths. Suffering does endow us with wisdom beyond our years. I think suffering brings us a degree of wisdom, understanding and compassion only available to those who have gone through and come out on the other side. But the key words are to come out from the land of suffering and not stay living there. Let’s not take up residence in our own personal “Hotel Californias.”

Look to find Joy in everyday life. That’s why I Love taking photos. I Love writing poetry, stories and commentaries. As many of my friends, family and co-workers I also have a ridiculous sense of humor. I’ve learned to laugh at myself. I love to hear people’s stories. Not to make fun of them but to find the common points in life that we all share, no matter if we are Christian, Native American, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu or Buddhist. We have to find laughter in the midst of our greatest tragedies, triumphs, victories and even our defeats. Our respective faiths do not ignore or make believe suffering does not exist but our belief systems help us to transcend the mutual trials and tribulations of life.

Let’s look at two different scriptures from the Holy Bible that deal with suffering. Let’s also keep in mind that Biblical scriptures also have a historical and social context. While Biblical characters may or may not have been actual living people the dilemmas, emotions, and feelings are very real and very concrete.

2 Corinthians 4:7-9

New International Version (NIV)

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

We are all a little broken. The cracks & chips cannot always be hidden nor should they be. We wear our scars like Warriors. These are the battle wounds that give us character and grace for living. Suffering can produce clarity of the mind, purity of the soul, and a different perspective on living.  At one time or another have we not all been Fallen Angels looking to be restored to the Kingdom?

 

Psalm 42

New International Version (NIV)

As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.

By day the Lord directs his love,
    at night his song is with me—
    a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?”
10 My bones suffer mortal agony
    as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

11 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

 

The people portrayed in the Bible aren’t Super Heroes. They are everyday folks like you and me. If they did not have the foibles and fragilities of the human condition we could not and would not be able to relate on our level. Times change and the modern world has encroached upon our 21st lives but we still possess the same frailties’ and vulnerabilities of soul and spirit as our Biblical ancestors. They are real people with real problems. Sometimes they achieve good solutions sometimes they mess up totally but provide an example for us of what not to do.

I agree with the Buddha’s teachings that becoming too attached to anything, idea or philosophy can lead to suffering. However suffering in and of itself is not a character flaw. In fact some suffering helps to build your character and gives you a greater ability for compassion. That being said there is external suffering which happens through no fault of our own and there is self-imposed suffering caused by bad decisions and errors in judgment.

While watching a TV show about the late writer, author and playwright Tennessee Williams I felt such sorrow that a man with so much talent was derailed from a productive pathway.

He did have plenty of success with such plays as, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, The Glass Menagerie, A Streetcar Named Desire and many other famous plays and stories, however he was done in by the effects of a dysfunctional family, depression about his mentally ill sister Rose, and eventually he was done in by drugs and alcohol. The suffering he felt regarding his sister Rose was the sadness and frustration of seeing a beloved sibling encased within the walls of mental illness and being powerless to help her. His internal self-imposed suffering was caused by bad choices regarding substance abuse.

I too am a writer and author but through my Christian faith and Buddhist practice I will avoid the path of destruction that seems to plague many famous, writers, musicians, actors, and artists.

Suffering should invite self-examination of our lives. Are we repeating destructive patterns in our lives? Am I living right? Am I a blessing towards others? Do I negate others feelings or emotions just because they may not be in line with my own experience. In addition to prayer what are some practical hands-on ways I can help my sisters and brothers in need. Am I so fixed into my own suffering that I’m allowing “Wounded Soldiers in the Household of Faith” to fall on the battle ground.

The ultimate question is, “Is it time for us to change course?”

Learning to Encourage Myself

18 Apr

How to Encourage Yourself

Donald Lawrence & The Tri-City Singers

http://youtu.be/JbEaftzaFWA

Black Unicorn Rainbow

Black Unicorn moving towards the Rainbow

Extreme anger, panic attacks, uncontrollable crying and/or apathetic/zombie like fluctuations are defense mechanisms produced by our damaged psyches to protect ourselves emotionally. Just after I separated from my abuser in 2007 I went through a gamut of emotions. I was extremely high strung, angry and would lash out sometimes at total strangers. Now I do realize that a lot of that was a form of PTSD, stress and hormones since I had started to go through the Change of Life. Many times I felt like Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde. Other than my estrogen going wild I believe the basis of my negative emotions was fear. Fear causes the fight or flight response and unfortunately I often got angry at the wrong people. However once I stood up to my inner demons and toxic family/co-worker bullies I began to feel better. I realized I had options. I did not have to feel this way. Another therapy for me was and is writing.

I wrote about all my emotions; the good, the bad and the ugly. There were times when I wanted to kill myself. I wrote an entire heart wrenching story on all the evil locked up inside my head. Words gave that insanity somewhere to go so it would not destroy me. I became stronger. Then this year more healing came, peace came through being a part of V-Day/1 Billion Women Rising and through joining groups that focus on domestic violence and sexual assault. Then I saw that my trials and tribulations were not in vain and not for my destruction but for the upliftment of not only me but all women who are going through and have gone through this horrible experience. I’m here to encourage and support. We Lean on and draw strength from each other. We Find Sanctuary among and within our tribe.  Love is a Helping Hand and a listening ear.

Bill Withers — Lean On Me

http://youtu.be/QPoTGyWT0Cg

Sometimes I still have panic attacks but they do not last as long nor are they as powerful or as strong as before because I’m able to defuse them. I tell myself that this fear I feel at the moment is only that, a temporary moment in time. I’m made of survivor and victory stock. Some of my ancestors settled the Americas, most came from Africa, and survived the middle passage, slavery, Jim Crow and all other types of bullshit. My ancestors lift me up above the fray. Then my genetic memory recalls that I am descended from the Queens of Mother Africa. I carry within me the DNA of women who sat on the thrones of Egypt, Ethiopia & Mozambique. They reigned and I reign. I’m stronger than my flaws, weakness and shortcomings. I’m an Overcomer. I’m stronger and more powerful than the words of deceit, anger and hate my ex- the abuser tried to sow into my soul. I will no longer allow his words of defeat to take root within my mind. Now I listen to, absorb and plant the words of my maternal ancestors within my soul, my psyche and my spirit. Courage, Boldness and Determination grows and manifests itself to and for my SisterFriends!

Judith Beheading Holofernes

Judith with the Head of Holofernes

Not perfect but able to move through the pain. I do not deny the pain but I refuse to give pain, sorrow, sadness or depression any authority in my life. I walk in my authority as a Victor not a victim.  I will not allow my life to spiral out of control. I don’t have to live in defeat. I have choices. I have options. Living my life like it’s Golden!

Donations and Freewill offerings can be made directly to my PayPal account deborah.palmer280@gmail.com. Thank you and God Bless

Conquerors through Grief and Sorrow

17 Jun

Conquerors through Grief and Sorrow

“Funerals are for the living.” That’s what my father Edward G. Palmer used to tell me.

Ecclesiastes 9:5

New International Version (NIV)

For the living know that they will die,
but the dead know nothing;
they have no further reward,
and even their name is forgotten.

Prayers, incense, the pouring of libation, the lighting of candles, wakes, viewings, observation of anywhere between seven and forty days are just a few of the rituals associated with mourning the death of a loved one. The songs sung and the music played at the funeral, viewing or wakes are all designed for families, friends and loved ones of the deceased. Even side shows, videos, photo displays are arranged to present fond memories of the one or ones who have passed away. We remember a life well lived.  The deceased has gone from labor to reward.

When someone close to us passes away we not only celebrate their life but we are faced with our own mortality. Numerous questions arise “Am I living my life to the fullest?”  “What will be my legacy once I leave this earth?” “Will I ever realize my deepest heartfelt desires, wishes and goals in this life?” “How can I get to the place I want to be in the short time available to us?”

Black Unicorn Rainbow

Black Unicorn moving towards the Rainbow

Our Earthly Time Span Question

Many of us try to establish patterns in our lives all in an effort to make it seem like we have control over adverse circumstances. Sometimes this involves lying to ourselves and others hiding our true feelings because nobody likes a sour puss. We’ve been taught to operate with a stiff upper lip, think positive and remain stoic in the face of adversity. However the inner collapse has already happened. Try as we might to stifle the surging volcano of frustration and discouragement sooner or later the top will blow. If not directed towards someone else suppressed anger manifests itself externally through headaches, stomach aches, forgetfulness, and joint pain, physical and/or mental exhaustion.  Frustration without resolution leads to discouragement.  These symptoms of a greater problem cause our souls and spirits to die small deaths each day. The cause is suppressed anger. A mismatch of expectations between what we want and what actually is. Once burnt twice shy, we are hesitant in putting ourselves in a place of vulnerability. Adversity causes us to be reborn as skeptics, a legion of Doubting Thomases/Thomasinas hemmed in by emotional barbed wire. We are misfits out of context with our perceived natural environment. Destinies aborted.

Everyone is assigned a ministry in this life. That is that something special that we are specifically anointed to do that no one else can perform because the position is uniquely designed for us. Not necessarily a calling to the collar but a mission and a purpose especially designed for us. When we fail to operate in that office we feel a tugging, a pulling apart within our spirits until we function within our calling.

Walking Dichotomies

Some of us seek to exchange our current stifling identifies for one provides the realization of an unattainable lifestyle.  Perhaps this explains the popularity of Superheroes in our culture.  Most Superheroes start off as ordinary people who through some serendipitous and unforeseen circumstance, happening or even accident are transformed into beings that not only have powers that enhance their lives and the ability to positively affect the lives of those around them.  In reality these super powers often have unanticipated consequences that change the lives of these Superheroes both positively and negatively.

Or we live vicariously through our children. Their lives are just beginning ours are either in the middle or at the end. Children represent a fresh start whereas middle and old age often find us cynical and jaded worn down by the realities of daily living. Will the purity and innocence of the young redeem those seeking another chance to capture the brass ring? Highly unlikely. We can no more embody their hopes, dreams and goals anymore than they can ours. Let us not make the mistake of forcing our lost vocations cut off midstream upon the young people in our lives.

Often we spend our lives trying to be someone else or attempting to meet the expectations of family and society. We strive to become the “other” all the while failing to live in the here and now.

Life is like marriage. We take this life for better or for worse, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health.  Like the Psalmist King David we feel that void of emptiness deep within our souls despite the outward appearance of privilege and comfort.

Psalm 42:5

New International Version (NIV)

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

 

But as our Biblical counterparts Ruth, Esther, Judith, DeBorah and Mary we press on through the challenges, the defeats, the sorrows and the pain to see God’s promise revealed and manifested to us and others. We may suffer defeat in battle but we have won the war. We stand as warriors bruised yet conquerors.

Donations can be made via Paypal using my email: deborah.palmer280@gmail.com.

Thank you and God Bless.

Conquerors through Grief and Sorrow

7 Jun

Conquerors through Grief and Sorrow

“Funerals are for the living.” That’s what my father Edward G. Palmer used to tell me.

Ecclesiastes 9:5

New International Version (NIV)

For the living know that they will die,
but the dead know nothing;
they have no further reward,
and even their name is forgotten.

Prayers, incense, the pouring of libation, the lighting of candles, wakes, viewings, observation of anywhere between seven and forty days are just a few of the rituals associated with mourning the death of a loved one. The songs sung and the music played at the funeral, viewing or wakes are all designed for families, friends and loved ones of the deceased. Even side shows, videos, photo displays are arranged to present fond memories of the one or ones who have passed away. We remember a life well lived.  The deceased has gone from labor to reward.

When someone close to us passes away we not only celebrate their life but we are faced with our own mortality. Numerous questions arise “Am I living my life to the fullest?”  “What will be my legacy once I leave this earth?” “Will I ever realize my deepest heartfelt desires, wishes and goals in this life?” “How can I get to the place I want to be in the short time available to us?”

Black Unicorn Rainbow

Black Unicorn moving towards the Rainbow

Our Earthly Time Span Question

Many of us try to establish patterns in our lives all in an effort to make it seem like we have control over adverse circumstances. Sometimes this involves lying to ourselves and others hiding our true feelings because nobody likes a sour puss. We’ve been taught to operate with a stiff upper lip, think positive and remain stoic in the face of adversity. However the inner collapse has already happened. Try as we might to stifle the surging volcano of frustration and discouragement sooner or later the top will blow. If not directed towards someone else suppressed anger manifests itself externally through headaches, stomach aches, forgetfulness, and joint pain, physical and/or mental exhaustion.  Frustration without resolution leads to discouragement.  These symptoms of a greater problem cause our souls and spirits to die small deaths each day. The cause is suppressed anger. A mismatch of expectations between what we want and what actually is. Once burnt twice shy, we are hesitant in putting ourselves in a place of vulnerability. Adversity causes us to be reborn as skeptics, a legion of Doubting Thomases/Thomasinas hemmed in by emotional barbed wire. We are misfits out of context with our perceived natural environment. Destinies aborted.

Everyone is assigned a ministry in this life. That is that something special that we are specifically anointed to do that no one else can perform because the position is uniquely designed for us. Not necessarily a calling to the collar but a mission and a purpose especially designed for us. When we fail to operate in that office we feel a tugging, a pulling apart within our spirits until we function within our calling.

Walking Dichotomies

Some of us seek to exchange our current stifling identifies for one provides the realization of an unattainable lifestyle.  Perhaps this explains the popularity of Superheroes in our culture.  Most Superheroes start off as ordinary people who through some serendipitous and unforeseen circumstance, happening or even accident are transformed into beings that not only have powers that enhance their lives and the ability to positively affect the lives of those around them.  In reality these super powers often have unanticipated consequences that change the lives of these Superheroes both positively and negatively.

Or we live vicariously through our children. Their lives are just beginning ours are either in the middle or at the end. Children represent a fresh start whereas middle and old age often find us cynical and jaded worn down by the realities of daily living. Will the purity and innocence of the young redeem those seeking another chance to capture the brass ring? Highly unlikely. We can no more embody their hopes, dreams and goals anymore than they can ours. Let us not make the mistake of forcing our lost vocations cut off midstream upon the young people in our lives.

Often we spend our lives trying to be someone else or attempting to meet the expectations of family and society. We strive to become the “other” all the while failing to live in the here and now.

Life is like marriage. We take this life for better or for worse, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health.  Like the Psalmist King David we feel that void of emptiness deep within our souls despite the outward appearance of privilege and comfort.

Psalm 42:5

New International Version (NIV)

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

 

But as our Biblical counterparts Ruth, Esther, Judith, DeBorah and Mary we press on through the challenges, the defeats, the sorrows and the pain to see God’s promise revealed and manifested to us and others. We may suffer defeat in battle but we have won the war. We stand as warriors bruised yet conquerors.

Donations can also be made via Paypal using my email: deborah.palmer280@gmail.com.

Thank you and God Bless.

Mutilation — A Chapbook Memorial for Thelma Rosalie Palmer (1922-1985)

9 Apr

Mutilation

Tribute to Thelma Rosalie Palmer

I looked down at the angry red scar that ran nearly diagonally across what once was my right breast. Carefully almost reverently my left hand caressed the raised stitches that the doctor said would be removed in a few weeks. I was one of the lucky few. The surgeon removed the entire cancerous growth along with all my breast tissue. Bonus point: I did not require chemotherapy or radiation so at least I would get to keep my beautiful salt & pepper mane.

Once the swelling and redness had subsided the plastic surgeon explained to me I’d be a good candidate for reconstructive surgery. But in my musings I had already dismissed that option. I’d rather wear my mastectomy scar as an Amazonian badge of courage and honor. I was a Warrior Woman much like the mythical females immortalized in Greek literature.

This sacrificial scarification symbolized strength and endurance. The will, no, the need to go and move forward in life. As for the pain, it’s not so bad, not nearly as bad as when my ex pummeled me bloody and broken with his fists when I failed to obey some order known or unknown. This operation was not an intolerable as the bi-weekly rapes to which I was subjected.

Even now in the years since he left me on Thanksgiving Day 2007 I’ve considered taking lovers, even had a few imaginary ones but the nightmare replays itself again and again in my head. When I see an erect penis, a face appears right at the head, above the shaft. His face.  The face of my tormentor.  Sexual intercourse with him and forever more in my mind became associated with the lower bodily functions. It’s as though men blow their nose, defecate and vomit upon you in succession. No pleasure. Only pain and moral/emotional degradation. You can never forgive him and worst of all you can never forgive yourself for allowing this to happen. But I’m free now. This scar will protect me from further encounters. My greatest desire is to never be violated again.

I went to the weekly meetings of breast cancer survivors. But nothing will assuage the survivors’ guilt. Guilt that I had lived but my favorite aunt, Thelma Palmer Varner had not.

Aunt Thelma had married and divorced early in her life. Childless she devoted her spare time to her beloved nieces and nephews, especially the children of her only brother, Edward, myself and my brother Stephen. I spent many an enjoyable weekend at her apartment in Co-op City, The Bronx. Aunt Thelma was the fun aunt. We laughed; joked, played games. She took me shopping and told the most hilarious stories.

Aunt Thelma died of breast cancer. Carcinoma of the right breast read her death certificate. But I attributed her untimely death at age 62 to religious ignorance and blind obedience to error. Aunt Thelma a former AME turned Catholic got involved with the Church of Christ Science, better known as Christian Scientists. Mary Baker Eddy. They are neither Christians nor scientists. Christian Scientists claim all illness and sickness is an illusion, doctors are unnecessary and all appearance of sickness can be worked out through “science”. Visiting a doctor when you are in pain or have serious symptoms is considered “a lack of faith in Ms. Eddy’s principles”.  Mary Baker Eddy’s principles of Christian Science are false and ultimately dangerous if followed to the letter.

Aunt Thelma died a slow, painful, agonizing death in one of their “hospitals” in Westchester County. At her funeral one of their so-called ministers to whom Aunt Thelma had paid money for prayer actually had the nerve, audacity and gall to attend the services. If I had not been consumed with grief and wanting to be respectful of other family members I would have beat the woman to death. To this day I hope God assigns a special place in Hell for all Christian Science ministers and pastors. May their reading rooms be vandalized then burned to ashes in memory of their many mislead victims.

Wait my scar is throbbing. It’s speaking to me. This mutilated chest. My war wound.

I’ve decided once the area has completely healed to answer the scar’s calling and decorate my mangled bosom with a full color tattoo of Aunt Thelma and I costumed as Amazon Warrior Women intertwined eternally.

Thelma Rosalie Palmer Varner

1922 – 1985

Donations and Love Offerings can be made to this thought provoking ministry via Paypal using my email: deborah.palmer280@gmail.com. Thank you and God Bless.

Aunt Thelma -- The Early Years

Thelma Palmer Varner

Holmesian Psychology Behind the Rabbit Hole

30 Mar

Holmesian Psychology Behind the Rabbit Hole

Mental Orgasms

Alice Down the Rabbit Hole

Alice Down the Rabbit Hole

Matrix – The Red pill/Blue pill

http://youtu.be/te6qG4yn-Ps

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arcJksDgCOU&feature=colike

Addiction – some habit usually unhealthy that takes over your life, an activity over which you have no control.  For those lost in the throes of prescription addiction there is no escape from the horrors of the mind except via medications freely doled out by more than willing physicians and pharmacists. Drug induced hallucinations for those possessed by insecurities, depression, psychosis and various types of mental illness open previously closed doors in the mind.  The addict seeking to escape earthly pain often unwisely even unknowingly opens portals to new cerebral dimensions, portals that eventually lead to the gateway to Hades.

I find myself walking through Bedlam calmly and quietly observing the poor wretches imprisoned within the only separation of safety between me and they glass with reinforced steel bars.  Until I come to a long hallway on either side a series of rooms each secured with double bolt thick steel doors the only openings a slot in which to slide a plastic meal tray and a small window used by roaming psychotherapists who occasionally looked in upon the inmates deciding which mental miracle drug to dispense to these unsuspecting unfortunates.  Compelled to stop in front of one particular door I peer through the small grimy window only to be shocked yet not too surprised to find my gaze met by my doppelganger.  There I stand frozen to the spot my extremities taking root and branching out seeking crevices with which to penetrate the unyielding door that separates me from myself.

Jesus explained the dilemma of mind altering drugs the best in Luke 11:24-26

New International Version (NIV)

   24 “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ 25 When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. 26 Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.”

Sherlock Holmes is one of the most celebrated fictional drug addicts known to most Americans. As played by the late Jeremy Brett, Brett’s Holmes captures the true brilliance of a man possessed by a troubled mind. He is the quintessential eccentric elitist, misanthrope and misogynist. In between cases Holmes uses cocaine to escape from the commonplaces of existence. Subject to long bouts of depression his drugs of choice morphine and cocaine, hence the 7% solution in his reasoning clarified and stimulated the mind. Often this is the case with talented, gifted genius level individuals. They abhor boredom and stagnation; craving constant mental exultation whether through industry, work, artistic, musical or literary projects. When the normal stimulants’ of challenging work are unavailable the well respected and recognized addict resorts to any number of remedies to recreate and/or achieve the same high gotten from recreational pursuits.

Holmes is the atypical functional drug addict. This is not to glorify or elevate prescription drug use above the use of common street drugs; the results from both are about the same. Both types of addicts experience dependence, cravings, reliance, and slavery to substances that destroy mind, body and spirit, eventually leading to death.

Like many possessed of a tortured brilliance only known by members of the “Talented Tenth” Holmes is an insecure elitist. The luster and sparkle of genius seeks to be delivered from the mundane, the trivial and from the insecurities that threaten to destroy a superior intellect.  The trick is to elevate and expand the thought processes and at the same time hoping to eliminate present daily realities of pain and suffering.

Drug addiction is a false cure, a fake hope, phony sanctuary, ever failing to grant rest or repose to its seekers. If the Sherlock Holmes character was updated to these modern times his drug of choice might be Ambien the sleep aid that bridges the gap between conscious and subconscious mind.

Ambien transports ones soul to that place between wakefulness and sleep. It appears to enhance ones innate natural creative abilities.  Users of cocaine and speed often make the same claims. These drugs both legal and illegal offer a false escape from the mundane.  Substance abusers even leave the natural human sexual relationships in order to experience the multiple mental orgasms they cannot achieve through physical sex with a partner. Reality becomes the bad dream. The user finds her/himself caught up in an almost inescapable quagmire.

In one episode Holmes states that, “There’s no escape from the terrors of the mind.”  Many times I secretly wished that life was like Etch A Sketch, that famously popular toy we children of the 60s played with for hours on end. If only life were like that little plastic Neanderthal laptop where with a few vigorous shakes you once again had a clean slate and the ability to start over.

It was a secret desire born out of stress, depression, and hard times to return to a time of innocence and being care free.  However I realized that there was no turning back the clock.  I had to face my inner demons.  I had to ask myself did I want to live the rest of my life in the Twilight Zone when everyone around me constantly telling me I have a gift, a gift that needs to be shared with the world. Also what about my family? What about my beloved autistic brother?  Where would he be if I suddenly was not on the planet anymore?  In addition how could I ignore the calling I knew God had on my life?  The answer is I couldn’t.  Never at any time did God give up on me.  That in and of itself amazed me.  God kept sending people my way to set me back on the path of life.  Even when I wanted to let go of this earthly life and move onto another plane, God said not yet.  I’m not ready for you yet.  You have more work to do on this earth.

No God did not immediately take away all the problems and challenges I’ve been experiencing but He did reveal to me better ways to cope.  Through my gift of writing He has opened doors for me that never would have opened had I allowed myself to sink into the substance abuse quicksand.  Of course there will continue to be bumps and potholes along the roadway but isn’t life somewhat like an obstacle course where the prize for those of us who esteem intellect the ability to successfully negotiate those obstructions by being quick thinkers and thrill in the victory of being an Overcomer?  Enjoy the Treasure Hunt!  Enjoy the excitement of the chase while in your right mind because you’ve been given everything that pertains to life and godliness and you are Empowered to Succeed!

Donations and Love Offerings can be sent via money order or bank checks made payable to Deborah A. Palmer. Donations can also be made via Paypal using my email: deborah.palmer280@gmail.com.

Thank you and God Bless.


What it means to be a Victorious and Delivered Overcomer

30 Mar
Jubilee Jump for Joy

Jubilee Jump for Joy in the Journey!!

Being a Victorious Overcomer is our ability to adapt to change. Whether the changes are in our finances, job or physical problems we develop the ability to make adjustments as the circumstances call for. Overcoming also means the putting aside of pride and asking for help when you need it. Basically evolve or die.

I take my cues from my brother Stephen who was born with developmental disabilities. Stephen has always known he was different from other people but he never allowed his differences to interfere with his joy in life. Stephen is one of the most joyful people I know. For him being autistic is just another way of looking at the world. All my life his perception of the wonder in living and his acceptance for other people no matter what race, color, economic background, ethnic group, belief system has shown me a better way to live my life.  Balloons, roller coasters, his job & M&Ms all bring him happiness and joy that most people only wish they could experience. Many times as I just observe Stephen make his way through life with very little worry and more or less carefree I marvel at what comes so easily for him I’ve been brought into kicking and screaming. Makes me wonder which of us is truly disabled?

My physical body began to change at age 49.  Due to extreme high blood pressure I had a stroke which affected the sight in my left eye. For over a year I had no vision in that eye. Finally after my Retina Specialist had tried every treatment he knew, he said you must get eye surgery. I was terrified but I got the surgery and most of the sight in my left eye was restored but not all. I had to give up driving and it is difficult for me to read unless I get large print books or enlarge the text on my computer.

At first I resisted these new limitations and I fought against them with every ounce of my strength. I desperately wanted my body to go back to the way it was when I was 25 but age and genetics said not so. This year when I turned 53 I made peace with the new me and now I find joy in the things that I can do and welcome assistance with what I cannot do. I rejoice in spite of my infirmities. Every day that no matter what condition or physical pain I may experience I thank God that my mind and academic abilities are still sharp.

On the lighter side I’ve made peace with my pudge and newly developed jelly rolls. Never thought I’d have a spare tire what with being called skinny most of my life but alas that’s another one of the delights of middle age.

Despite all the health challenges I’ve faced over the past four years I’ve not lost my Joie de vivre.  I still have my hopes, goals, and dreams for my future. Little by little, step by step they are beginning to come true. Even at the lowest point in my life I kept my faith.  Faith in God and faith in me.

I can exercise the gifts God has given me and I relish my joy in where God is leading me to next in this life.  Through looking at life with a new attitude I’ve been released from the ‘Victim Hood’ which is a ‘hood’ that no one wants to live in.  I celebrate my restoration and declare my 53rd Year of Life the Year of Jubilee!

I am a living demonstration of God’s Power of renewal and regeneration!

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Donations to this Ministry for the Housing Fund can be made in U.S. Funds via money order or bank checks made payable to Rochdale Village Inc. 169-65 137th Avenue, Jamaica, NY 11434, Account No. 083-11G-16924.  Thank you and God Bless.

%d bloggers like this: